the future

i think about moving to asia and have images of me in a speedboat at high speed, looking behind me, my hair blown, an enormous cruise liner in the near distance

i consider moving to india and have images of a gigantic indian's torso, which blocks out most of the sunlight, doing a strange jumpkick in slow motion

i consider moving to new york city and have images of myself in a bagel shop uniform, with a baseball cap on, working in a bagel shop, looking very unhappy, feeling embarrassed about working at a bagel shop; i imagine myself immediately feeling 'this is no different than seattle, i was wrong'

i think about moving to seoul to teach english and have images of sitting alone in a small, blue tiled apartment, feeling confused and slightly alienated; i see myself making a few friends but maintaining a sense of 'aloneness' that 'naturally' keeps us 'inaccessible' to each other; i have images of writing 'dumbass, juvenile shit' concerning korea and my writing career never advancing beyond this point

i consider going to spain and 'just plain' not having enough money

i consider going to germany and feeling highly unwelcome, possibly getting beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend (who was her ex-boyfriend when i was her boyfriend)

i think of farming and i have an image of my fingers digging up a small red beet, accompanied by strong feelings of neutrality, as if farming is merely a phenomenon that mysteriously exists outside of 'cause and effect'

i try to consider a life in farming and nothing happens but an image of my fingers digging a beet out of the ground and sometimes images of my face, sweaty and dirty

i consider farming in spain and i feel even more neutral, seeing myself in the context of 'hay'; hay is somewhere in this mental image, and there is the concept of 'language barrier'; i see myself frequently using the spanish i know but never becoming fluent as the result of some impossible threshold

i see mexican people

for some reason i see romania, or bulgaria, and a lake in a mountainous region

i consider seattle and see myself having a number of readings and existing, for years, with only acquaintences, occasionally meeting a person that responded to my dating ad at the strangers dating website, sometimes 'ending up' by myself at some rave-thing, extremely intoxicated, and feeling embarrassed about it the next day, with the number of embarrassing incidents steadily increasing, the lack of change in my perception reinforcing every embarrassing moment i continue to have, as they are inevitable and an effect of perception; i see these situations 'building up', until i am incredibly unhappy, sitting on the chair in front of my desk, looking at my lap

i see my writing career quickly shriveling; in my head this appears as an open tube of skin hanging from a dog's penis quickly desiccating and falling off

i see my writing career ending as a result of just not being able to 'step up'; i also see any level of fame quickly feeling unsatisfying or irrelevant to my goals

i see a career in writing and i imagine a continual state of loneliness and alienation that strengthens exponentially; i imagine 'needing' to 'keep myself' from everyone in order to write novels; i see a long sequence of unsatisfying encounters with girls that i've met from the stranger's dating website; i see my stranger dating ad profile picture

i see a career in writing and i imagine producing a novel once every 7 years, thematically similar to the those of richard yates and frederick barthelme, but not as 'sophisticated' and calm as frederick barthelme, and not as 'sophisticated' as richard yates; i see myself becoming as famous as frederick barthelme

i imagine the prospect of maintaining a steady income through self-employment and again experience feelings of neutrality; i see myself walking on a sidewalk, carrying a pile of clothes; i see, vaguely, the color scheme of ebay

i consider the concept of 'my life as it is now and as it will be through the next year' and see a rapid succession of myself walking through the door of my empty apartment; i see myself walking on the sidewalk wearing a grey and blue adidas track jacket; i see myself going to the post office; i see myself drinking beer at my desk; i see a succession of uncomfortable meetings with girls from the stranger's dating website; i see myself with a speculative facial expression, passing people on the sidewalk while thinking 'do they know who i am? do they know i wrote a book?'

considering the concept of 'my life as it is now and as it will be through the next year' makes me feel, again, highly neutral, as if i have little control, as if 'my life as it is now and as it will be through the next year' merely exists, and will continue to exist in different ways as the result of cause and effect, and has already existed, somehow; i fear the stability of my perception

i consider the concept of 'what will happen today' and immediately picture twitter, then imagine myself trying hard to think of what i will make for lunch tomorrow, then see myself waking up tomorrow, fixing breakfast, and getting on the bus in overalls and black rubber work boots with the 'lunch problem' 'figured out'

i think of the concept of 'what can i do with my life' and immediately feel either confused or neutral, or just 'stalled', as if a computer was overloaded via multitasking and was taking an extremely long time to process simple tasks, such as minimizing or maximizing folders; i see uncomfortable situations with girls i met from the stranger's dating website; i see myself drinking and then going out by myself and 'being weird' at a bar, in a corner, staring at people, then feeling highly embarrassed for this the next day

i consider 'my blog in two years' and see, vaguely, a new header and layout; i see myself 'naturally' reverting to a posting style more similar to my posting style of a year ago; i see 2 - 6 month periods of intense creativity/productivity bound by the 'limits' of my perception/mental capacity; i see myself basing decisions concerning literature and blogging on 'if i will be embarrassed about it in the future'

i consider 'voluntarily joining the army and fighting in a war' and see my face going out of control; i feel interested